What an interesting position, the wing man. Being perpetually in a relationship, its a place I find myself often whilst accompanying my single lady friends. (Especially since my lady friends are so lovely.)
Tonight I was wing-man for my stepsister Lauren. Lauren is beautiful and she knows it. She knows what she wants and she gets it. She knows what she doesn’t want and she can gracefully say no, or at least not feel bad about being blunt. (Unfortunately I don’t share her social grace.) But going out with her is wonderful for two reasons- 1) because I get to spend more time with my stepsister and 2) bars are really interesting places.
Anyway, this is all building up to the main purpose of this blog- an open letter to the douche at the bar.
I would like to start off by saying that it was very tactful of you to pull the two cutest girls to the bar and buy them shots why the other two (which included myself) stood awkwardly wondering if we were to follow. But you totally smoothed the situation over when you decided to wave us over and ask “Do you ladies want a shot too?” Way to go with that one. Lord knows I need your pity shot like I need a whole in my foot. And really it was downhill after that. Let me offer some suggestions so a situation like this might go a little more smoothly for you in the future:
1) You are terrible at staring at boobs. You are the least discrete individual ever. I’m not sure how, but I guess “Hi, my name is Lee,” is an open invitation for a gander. Just incase you are not sure what I’m referencing, I created a diagram for you.
See, it’s really step 2 that is giving you all the trouble. If you wouldn’t stare at me like an object (even after you obviously preferred my cuter friends) our conversation might have gone better.
2) Drinks are not bribes. I told you I didn’t want one, but you were too busy trying to get with my stepsister that you did not notice. I thought it was especially nice when you leeched on to our other friend and implored “Come on baby, what’d you want? What’s your favorite drink? Rum? Vodka?” You offered these with the same air as someone trying to coax a reluctant animal, and it was creepy. (Also, when a girl accepts your drink it is not a contract for an evening of entertainment. )
3) You’re such a smooth operator. I really appreciated when my stepsister turned her attention away from you and instead of gracefully bowing out you tried to carry her off like a freaking cave man. You literally grabbed her arm and tried to pull her away. Classy, guy.
Hanging out on the wing is a really interesting place. As far as a lesson I can take away from this situation- The dating scene is not for me.
(I don’t sound too bitter, do I?)